A Second Chance

A Face Book friend posted this today. 

I got a little chuckle out of it, because it is somewhat true for me.

I say, "What?" because I didn't hear you.

But you still get a second chance to change what you said, make it better, clearer, and more understandable.

Lucky you!

Never Mind...

Never mind.

What comes to mind when you hear these words?

Huh?  

Did I really hear that?


I'm not important enough for you to repeat what you just said.

The definition from Wikitonary:

Verb

never mind (only in imperative)

1. It is not important; do not fret; used to reassure or comfort the person to whom it is said.
   

   I’m afraid I’ve broken your mug. — Never mind, it was old and I was going to throw it away.

   Did you fall over and hurt your knee? Never mind, I’ll put a bandage on it.



2. Do not be concerned (about someone or something, or about doing something)
   

   Never mind about me — you go and I’ll join you later.

   Here’s some money for you. Never mind about paying me back; you can keep it.



3. I withdraw my previous statement.
   

   You’re a fool. — What did you call me? — Never mind.

Synonyms

• (it is not important): forget about it, forget it

Many, many, MANY times, when my husband says it, it just means that the moment has passed.

For example, he may say, "Would you give me a hand?"

What?

Never mind.  I got it.

I bristle when I hear these words and need to remember to reply calmly that I still want to know what he said, no matter what.

He does repeat what was said, and it helps me understand why he said, "never mind."

It makes me feel included.

And that is important to me.

Thanks, honey.

Fortune Cookies

I love Chinese food.  I have a favorite Chinese restaurant that I love in my neighborhood.  I have even been able to replicate one of my favorite dishes there, General Tso's chicken.  Fortune cookies are given with the check.

While searching through my winter coat pocket, I found three wrapped fortune cookies.  I don't put much stock into fortune cookies, but they are always fun to read.

Here's fortune number one:

Hmmmm....I have had several people tell me, that in spite of my hearing loss, I am a good listener.

Fortune number two:

Also interesting.  I have two close friends and the rest are acquaintances.  It is hard for me to make new friends, but I guess now is the time!

Fortune number three: (yes, I opened up the third one....curiosity got the best of me!)

To those of you who are reading this, thank you.  Thank you for "listening" to me and thank you for being my online friend!

Games Kids Play...and Sometimes Adults

I was not social as a child.  I learned how to play by myself.  As a toddler, I was very much the explorer, opening every cupboard and drawer to discover what was hiding.  I never watched t.v. as I could not understand cartoons or even the Muppets on Sesame Street.  Who could lip read and understand what they were saying?  My favorite cartoon series was The Pink Panther ~ no dialogue and full of slapstick humor.  I would watch Mr. Rogers from time to time, but when it came to his puppet segment, I would tune out and find something else to do.

My first birthday party invitation came while I was in Kindergarten.  I distinctly remember one of the games.  It was where your character name was written on a piece of paper and taped to your back.  The party members would give you "clues" as to who your character was.

I didn't fully understand the "rules" and instead wandered from person to person during the game, as they animatedly gestured while giving clues and exclaiming when the child got the "right answer."  Fairly quickly, it became apparent that I was the ONLY one who had NOT guessed who my character was.

A small crowd of children gathered in front of me.  All at once, they began giving me clues at the same time.  A bewildered look came across my face.  I put my focus on the child directly in front of me.  This is what I understood the child to be saying:

"You live on Sesame Street."

"You're green."

"You're mean."

Mean?  Who is mean?  I was confused and didn't know how or what to answer.

The child raised his voice a little louder, enunciating each word,

"You live in a garbage can."

I finally said, "I don't know who it is."

Everybody threw their hands into the air and in unison said,

"You're OSCAR THE GROUCH!"

Two years ago, at a Christmas neighborhood party, the guests were given characters from television shows and movies.  My mind flashed back to my classmate's kindergarten birthday party....

I politely declined to participate and headed straight for the kitchen and asked how I could help with the food.

*Whew*

Deaf Disrimination and Jobs

I just watched the show, "What Would You Do?" yesterday.  I enjoy watching the show because of the people that stand up for what is right and wrong.  Depending on the circumstances, it seems like the majority of people "do not want to get involved." 

This particular episode resonated with me.  You can watch it HERE.

In summary, two girls (actors) go into a coffee shop to apply for a kitchen position.  The managers are also actors and they are instructed to tell the deaf applicants that they will "not be able to hire" them.  Why?  Because they are "deaf" or "not a good fit."  "If you can't hear me, how are we going to communicate?" "You can make a list."  The two actors try to tell the managers that they have the skills and that the manager can "write things down" for them.  The managers again tell them that they are welcome to fill out the application, but they still will not be hiring them.

The hope was that someone, anyone, would stand up to the managers and tell them that they could not discriminate against these two applicants.  Sure, the video showed many customers that were stunned and appalled by the actions of the manager.  But....they said and did....nothing.

A couple of people did stand up to the manager, but the most surprising of all were the three people that worked in human resources/recruitment that spoke up AFTER the applicants had left.  They tell the manager(s) that they shouldn't have done that and that it is discrimination.  But what they also told them was that they should just accept the application and NOT hire them.  Huh?  "Just accept it and don't call."

Un...be.....lie...vable.

Only one man in the coffee shop openly tells the manager out loud that what he is doing is unacceptable and threatens to not come back for business.   This guy should be wearing a cape.  A true modern-day hero.

This type of action usually happens behind closed doors, but ABC wanted to bring it out into the open to see what people would do.  Did it happen to me?  I don't know.

Well, most of my jobs as a teen were spent babysitting kids for $1 per hour.  I was great at it till I discovered dating and suddenly, I wasn't available to babysit on weekends.  During one or two summers, I cleaned an elementary school.  (My dad was the principal.  Nowadays, you can't hire family members...district policy).  I guess my first "real" job was at a nearby cookie factory.  I was probably one of three people that spoke English.  I befriended several Hispanic and a couple of Laotian girls that worked with me. 

When school started, I had permission to leave for the afternoon as part of "OJT: On the Job Training."  Part of the deal was one of my teachers was assigned to visit the facility where I worked and have one of my managers evaluate me.  My teacher shared my evaluation and I was surprised.  Of course, I was on time, but my performance was lacking because "I couldn't hear."

I was laid off with many other workers during the holidays.  The next summer, after my first year of college, I applied for and got a job at a local jewelry store.  I felt that if I told the owner of my hearing impairment, he would not hire me.  I got the job and it lasted three months. 

I walked in one day and he asked me into his office.  He handed me a pink slip and told me that I wasn't making him enough money.  I also wasn't answering the phone.  (I wasn't the only person working the counter; there were two other girls there and no one told me that I had to answer the phone).  He said that I should get my hearing checked; I walked out the door and cried all the way home. 

From then on, I have been very selective about jobs. One job required a typing test and an interview.  I passed the test and the interview with flying colors.  When the manager called me to say I got the job, I told her that I would be happy to accept, but that she needed to know one thing.

After I told her about my hearing, there was a brief moment of silence.  "Well, will you be able to use a phone?" she asked.  "I'm using a phone right now.  Is it a job requirement that I be able to answer phones?" I replied.  "I guess not," she answered.

Does deaf/hard of hearing discrimination still exist?  Perhaps.  I hope this show opened up doors for recruiters, managers, and owners alike to communicate with prospective applicants and explore alternatives to the job description.  A little bit of education can go a long ways....

Listening...

Stop.
Look.
Listen.

Many years ago, I met a neighbor who turned out to become a very good close friend.  It was so easy and natural to talk to her; we had so much in common.  She is a teacher and so am I.  Her husband is a computer programmer and so is mine.  We have sons, not daughters.  We love to cook and bake.

What also drew me to her was her sense of humor.  This allowed me to relax and tell her more about myself.  I explained my hearing loss to her and how it affected me on a daily basis.  In fact, she is the very same friend who was with me during my "Timpanogos Cave" moment.

Several years later, she paid me one of the most interesting compliments.  Looking right at me, she said, "Frieda, you are the best listener I have ever met."  Huh?  Me?  She continued, "Just because you don't have the best hearing, doesn't mean that you don't know how to listen.  I feel that I have your full, undivided attention and that you really care about me."

We can all be that kind of person to someone.  Someone who knows how to listen.  How do I listen?  I stop whatever I'm doing  and make sure that I am facing that person.  Even though I am lip-reading most of the time, I make sure that I look into their eyes from time to time.  A person's eyes will give you valuable information about their true inner emotions.

Interrupting is not the hallmark of a good listener, but sometimes I do it.  I wait for a pause, thinking it is the end of their sentence, and start speaking.  That's an accidental interruption.  Sometimes, I purposely interrupt.  Why?  To check for understanding.  I will often say, "So you are saying....." and repeat what I think I heard.  This confirms to the person talking that I am really trying to listen and understand what they are saying.    Sometimes, I will stop the person mid-sentence and ask them to slow down, look at me, or ahem...finish eating before talking to me, which is usually my kids.  Did you know that we speak at the rate of about 125 words per minute?  I'm sorry, but my brain can't keep up...I'm not only trying to listen, but I'm trying to figure out that one word in the sentence that I missed.  You know, that one word that can change the entire meaning of the sentence?

I ask questions or state back what I think I hear.  Asking questions gives me control of the topic, which I often miss in a group setting, but also shows interest in the speaker.  If someone asks me to meet them at the park at 4:30, I will say, "I'll see you at the Lone Peak Park tomorrow at 4:30."  Then the speaker has an opportunity to correct me if I am wrong.

I am a literal listener.  I have difficulty picking up the little nuances and subtleties in conversation.  Sarcasm is a good example.  My hearing does not allow me to pick up the tone of voice that one uses in sarcasm.  Often, I will ask if they are being serious or not.  "Are you really.....?"

I'm still working on my listening skills.  Sometimes, it's not that simple.  It's easy with friends, but a little more challenging with a spouse, children or parents.  Try it.  It may work a small miracle.

*Ring* *Ring*

"Mom, the phone's ringing."

(I can't hear the phone ringing or see it anywhere)

Why are you telling me that?  Can't you answer it?


The phone rarely rings at my house, and when it does, it is usually for someone else, not me.  Recently, I am wishing that phones had cords on them.  Remember those?

Those phones would NEVER get lost.
Cordless phones would NEVER run out of battery charge.

My cordless phones have a button that will page the 'lost' phone.  It doesn't do me any good...I can hear the ringing, but wouldn't be able to tell you which direction it's coming from.

I have thought many times about 'ditching' my land line and using my cell phone exclusively.

Think about it...

No telemarketers calling me to take advantage of the energy rebates for attic insulation...

I already did that two summers ago AND got my rebate.

No non-profit groups calling me to ask for donations...

I already have a favorite charity that I regularly donate to.

Nobody calling for one of my kids...

I'm not sure where they are.  Have you tried their cell phone?


No strangers that are trying to pronounce my last name...

If you don't know me, don't call me.


Why do I still have a land line?  For one reason only.  In an emergency.

Two years ago, I was near the LA airport when there was a 6.0 earthquake in a nearby city.  I saw dozens of people looking up at the sky and trying to use their cell phones.   Many of these people were unable to use their cell phones.  When you have hundreds and thousands of people trying to use their cell phones in one location at the same time, the cell phone tower overloads and becomes 'locked up.'

In an emergency, the 911 operators would know my exact location on a land phone line.  Land lines are most likely to be repaired first in the event of a natural disaster.

For now, I have Comcast VOIP basic phone service with a battery backup for $25 per month.  I have thought about using other services, but it is very important that I have a CLEAR connection.

I am still new to Skype, and texting.  What is your favorite way to communicate?

Toothpaste

My husband and I were wandering the aisles of Costco last night.  Did I say wandering?  Ooops.  I meant to say "purposefully walking" down the aisles.  You can't wander in Costco.  It's too dangerous.  You will almost always end up spending more than you wanted.  Have a list.  Be prepared.

Our list was a mental one.

Milk.




Check.

Eggs.




Check.




We were passing through the toiletries section (I still don't understand where the word "toiletries" come from), you know, the section with the shampoo, soap, and bathroom stuff are...

 My husband said, "What about toothpaste?"









"I know we have some."


"Where?"

"Under the sink in the bathroom." (this is where I store the extra boxes of toothpaste)


"Under the sink?  That's a strange place to put toothpaste."

"That's where I always put the toothpaste."

Then it dawned on him that I said Toothpaste.  He smiled.  Chuckled.


"I'm talking about toothPICKS..."

"Ohhhhhh...toothPICKS!"

He smiled.  He is beginning to understand a little bit of what I am going through.  What I go through on a daily basis.

He doesn't have a hearing loss, but he has tinnitus.  For him, it is a series of clicks and buzzing in his ears that are so loud and bothersome, that it is affecting his ability to hear.  His ability to go to sleep.  He has had his ears and hearing checked, (no hearing loss) has tried a number of over the counter meds that have not worked.  Combine that with the ultra-noisy, echo-y environment of Costco and you've got a winning recipe for a communication mix-up.

I have tinnitus.  It is a high pitch, continual sound that only I can hear.  Late at night, when I take the hearing aids out, I hear it.  It's the most ominous, annoying, distracting sound.  You can plug your ears and still hear it.  When I have complete silence, I think that my brain makes up the ringing sound to make up for the absence of sound.   When I get a hearing test, I will always hear that particular pitch.....if it goes on for more than a few seconds, I know it's the tinnitus, not the test.  When I wear my hearing aids, I usually don't hear it, so wearing hearing aids is a good thing for me.

Do you have tinnitus?  What works for you?